


To Love Neil Perry

by thegaygladers



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: M/M, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-14 01:12:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7146002
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegaygladers/pseuds/thegaygladers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>anonymous asked: Charlie/Neil and "I love you..." but to someone else - With Neil saying it to Todd and Charlie being really broken up about it? (This is so extra I know I'm sorry)</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Love Neil Perry

**Author's Note:**

> I've also posted this on Tumblr, if you recognize it. I'm @lapdoglightwood.

Charlie was bubbling with nervous excitement, but today it wasn’t because of some ludicrous new prank he’d come up with.

It was because Knox had, somehow, convinced him into doing something so much more reckless, and so much _better_.

Charlie was going to ask Neil out.

Though Charlie had always been of the laidback and blasé kind, today his hands shook at the very thought of how Neil might react - and yet he was determined to go through with the idea.

Neil and he had never really talked about such things; Neil always seemed so detached from the entire idea of romance entirely. Charlie was well aware that Neil came from a very religious and old-fashioned household, and that some of the ridiculous beliefs of his ancestors had successfully rubbed off on his best friend.

In short, Charlie was taking the biggest risk of his life doing what he was about to – a risk that could cost him his best friend.

His legs felt lead heavy with every step closer he took to the corridor where he knew Neil escaped to in times when he desired solitude. He knew Neil was going to be there, he felt it. He felt most things Neil did.

Despite his firm certainty that Neil was going to be there, he found himself surprised when he actually heard the boy’s familiar voice, a mere whisper.

Charlie, with great difficulty, caught the words “I want to tell you something” and “I’ve waited so long…”

Was he talking to himself?

It didn’t seem like it. Charlie, very slowly and soundlessly, sneaked a look into the darkened corridor.

He could barely make out two boyish silhouettes on the far end, their upper halves dimly illuminated from the light from the miniscule torch Neil was shining down upon them. Neil had pressed the other person against the wall in what was clearly a seductive manner.

This was an all-boys school.

Charlie caught his breath. He tried to focus on the smaller figure, the one pressed between the wall and Neil. Its pale skin glowed softly in the light, and Charlie could just make out a head of darkening blonde hair.

It was Todd.

“I love you,” Neil breathed against the other boy’s… neck?

After a long moment, Charlie heard the reply in a voice he’d been hoping he wouldn’t. 

“I… I love you, too, Neil, so much,” Todd said quietly.

Charlie retreated inaudibly from the hallway, melting into the small crowd of boys huddling the dorm-room corridor. He saw Knox talking to Meeks, leaning against a doorframe. Their eyes met and Knox’s look of gleeful expectation slowly faded away when he caught sight of Charlie’s face. He was about to follow when Charlie shook his head at no one in particular, ceasing Knox’s step.

Meeks exchanged a worried look rather than a “goodnight” with Knox that evening before they separated and shut the door behind their respective dorms.

\--

Charlie chose the toilet least used by the students to collapse in, the one that was said to be “haunted”.

He didn’t know what to feel, and the tears were threateningly close to falling.

“ _You can cry,_ ” he told himself, “ _There’s no one watching._ ”

But why should he? He wasn’t in love with Neil or anything. He had just been looking for someone to fool around with before he got expelled for some reason or the other. Right?

But then why did it hurt? Why was he in such torturous, bodily pain? Why had the adrenaline that had been running through his veins just a few minutes ago turned into seething hatred and envy for his new, harmless friend whom he’d grown to care for and respect so much?

He tore at his hair in confused frustration, hitting at everything in his sight, uncaring of the broken bones and dirty blood that now graced his knuckles.

He was just angry, alright?

He was just looking out for his friend. He was just shocked because he’d never been refused anything he’d wanted before. He just wanted what was best for Neil. And Todd was…

…The best for Neil. Charlie knew it, no matter how intently he told himself that Neil’s bad choices were what were ticking him off like this.

He knew Todd was the best decision his friend had ever made, and he knew Neil felt the same way.

He’d always known Todd was in love with Neil in the back of his head, but who wasn’t? Todd was just the lucky one for him to have his feelings reciprocated.

He knew Todd would never hurt Neil or bother him with his rash plans and absurd philosophies, like Charlie. Todd was made for Neil. And Neil for him. And Charlie was just…

An onlooker, a bystander watching from the sidelines as the one person he cared about most in the world fell deeper in love with someone _he_ cared about just as much. Charlie was never going to be anything other than a friend to Neil, and he was almost – _almost_ – content with that. He just wanted Neil to be happy. He was just…

Another one in the millions that were in love with Neil. Another one of the million people that were not Todd Anderson.

 He felt dumbfounded that he hadn’t noticed Neil’s feelings for Todd before. They were so… _there_.

 And Charlie couldn’t have picked a better match for Neil if he’d tried.

 Todd loved Neil more than anyone.

But that night as his swollen, bloodshot eyes closed and his exhausted, hollow and sickened body retired into the more absolute darkness of slumber against the cold, solid lavatory flooring which had been scrubbed clean within an inch of its life, he was sure of one thing.

 

Charlie loved Neil most.


End file.
